I really thought that posting vulnerable pictures of me to the world would make me stay focused on the end goal. I made a lot of promises, like doing the Thank Dog app, working out between classes and on the weekends, etc…However, that isn’t what happened. I did well for awhile, I was proud of what I was accomplishing AND the amount of exercise I was getting. I can still jog better than some and lift weights like I haven’t missed. However, vacation happened and I lost all motivation when returning. Not blaming vacation, I wouldn’t take it back. It’s that getting out of routine thing and trying to start again. Honestly, I could’ve stayed in the routine, but I chose not too. Our family vacation wouldn’t have been any less fun if I ate a banana instead of pizza. So, WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?????
This is what happens with me…I do well, I lose weight, I feel great and because of those things, I think I can cheat and then when the cheating happens, its like an ocean current and I just can’t get back to shore (HA! I just made that metaphor up as I type this, but I feel that strongly about my cheating). For those who don’t know my story…I actually lost 40 pounds several years ago and created TDBC with my dog. I was a brickhouse and ran marathons, obstacle courses and really got into weight training. I know how to get where I need to be, I know how to get others to where they need to be and I know that I can be motivated. So…WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY????
Let’s get back to that picture I posted and being held accountable. One of the things that allowed me to justify that cheating was OK (day after day ), was that I posted those post-pregnant pictures! My thought process?: “Everyone knows I’m overweight anyway, so who cares?!” Haha…that’s f’d up!!! Am I doing it for me or for them? Looks like for them!
Now, I’m not saying that “putting up an overweight/before picture for the world to see” technique wouldn’t work for someone else, it’s absolutely a brave thing to do and most of the time people who do it ARE in-fact held accountable for themselves. I am just a pro at finding things to justify my eating and lack of exercise and have been doing it my whole life except when I was actually fit.
So, here we are today and I’m absolutely miserable! I tried “have to get fit for my kids” mentality and not sure why it isn’t making me run marathons as they really are my everything. How do I turn things around to make it for me? I know I want it. I know I need it. However, I know that I’m also depressed. I think my move from LA, losing Quinn and getting big from my twin pregnancy really did a number on me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies, my family, extended family and the friends we have made here and wouldn’t change anything. I just feel like I lost a little of myself in this journey and I am yearning for it back and have almost given up.
I tried to fix it by opening a Thank Dog Bootcamp in Cortland. The property is an amazing set up. Honestly, it’s a bit smaller for the field stuff, but overall it’s better than I could’ve imagined (I think anyone who hears of our program here is crazy not to try it because of what we did with this space and what we offer. Next year will be phenomenal – that’s my nonchalant plug of the business :)). The program and bootcampers I got this summer did amazing things for me, but of course I’m still not 100%, Why is that? Because now I have a new insecurity:
I am teaching a fitness class while being overweight. That makes me feel very imposter-like and I hate it.
On a more positive note, just because I’m overweight, doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m certified and have a ton of experience under my belt that’s benefiting my campers. It’s just the ol’ practice what you preach thing. I wrote about this in the previous blog about my bootcampers inspiring me. It’s true.
So, what now? I am taking a different approach. I am becoming the bootcamper. In 2007, I lost 40 pounds and then created an awesome program with my dog, Quinn.
This time I’m trying with my new puppy, Ash. Let’s be honest, the exercising part still isn’t for me, it’s for her and her energy (but I hope that changes). She is making me exercise…every…single…day. We have lot’s of puppy energy and two toddlers so, it’s like…mandatory. So, here is to a new start with a little furry friend pushing me. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will unless I wake up with a new sense of self…here’s to hoping!!